All through my adult life, I have had issues with my weight. While I was going to school, I was fairly active, and that kept the excess weight at bay. At 19, as my exercise reduced, I started noticing that my weight wasn't staying off like it did.
Once my weight crept above 80kg, this when I started yo-yo dieting. I didn't realise that I had begun a highly addictive pattern of eating that all the diets and exercise weren't helping me get off that train. After each failure, I gained back any weight I'd lost, and then some.
By the time I was 23, I was over 100kg.
Over the period of my 20's, I fell into deep depression and anxiety, and really fell like I lost control of my life and my body. I started developing weight-related illnesses (e.g. gout, high cholesterol, sleep apnoea), and seemed to age very quickly (i.e. I was balding and I was starting to get white in my beard). It got to the point where I really didn't like what I saw in the mirror.
I went for help several times, but nobody seemed to be telling me stuff that I didn't already know. I have a background in health, and I know the underlying energy equation (energy in > energy out = increase in weight and energy in < energy out = decrease in weight), but nobody could seem to help me with my eating habits. I know how important both diet and exercise is in keeping healthy.
All everybody was doing was trying to get my weight down, and I have never found it difficult to lose the weight - it's been keeping it off that's been the issue with me.
Before I was even 30, I looked about 10 years older. Now, as a 34 year old, I feel like I look like I am in my 40's. Some unkind queens have even said to me that they know 60+ year olds who look better than me.
I completely retreated from romantic relationships. I chose to surround myself with friends, but could never bring myself to enter into a relationship. I could never believe that anybody could find me attractive, as I was highly repulsed by what I saw in the mirror. Everytime my picture is taken I always feel like crying.
I have never been in a real relationship, and it's been a very long time since I have been intimate with anybody. I constantly feel worthless and a failure.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, as I have many friends, and a lot of people who care about me, but I feel like I am falling apart, and losing myself. If I can't control what goes into my mouth, it is no surprise I am not where I want to be.
By the time I moved to Australia, I was nearly 110kg, and I have bounced between 100 and 110 since I've been here. I have also slipped into other bad habits that have destroyed my credit rating (to the point where I can't get a FlexiRent for a new computer any more), and keep sabotaging my career
It is always so frustrating to hear the "all you have to is..." advice from people who have either never had a problem with their weight, or have found the solution that has worked for them, and assumes it will work for everybody. However, I truly feel like there's a demon living inside me - wanting to destroy everything I have worked so hard to put together. This seems to affect every part of my life: health, work, and finances - all due to lack of self control.
I feel like a passenger in my own body when I am compelled to go the shop and eat that junk food. I hate it. I hate that I am driven to do this, and I hate that I can't seem to do anything to stop it. Every time I get a tool, this demon sabotages the effort.
I have been a gym donor (i.e. someone who has the membership but doesn't go) for many years, and I can usually sustain the gym thing for a short time before I lose interest and stop going. I have never really been into sports, so couldn't imagine playing one - although I do enjoy table tennis @ work (although I am not really that good).
I was on Duromine for over a year, and I got down to 94kg. I remember what it was like to not want to eat, but that wore off very fast. I enjoyed being able to eat whatever I wanted, and still lose weight. However, with Duromine being an amphetamine, I very quickly felt something wrong in my head. I felt it very difficult to concentrate, and had difficulty concentrating. I took myself off it, and I still don't feel like my though patterns have come back to normal.
I tried moving onto Tony Ferguson after the Duromine, but couldn't seem to release the bad eating habits I'd formed over the time I was on Duromine, and came off it in less than a month - this was despite doing it with my best friend.
I had bought some hypnotherapist tapes, and all I had to was listen to them, but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I had talked to friends about this, and given myself some timelines (i.e. "if I haven't lost X amount of weight by Y amount of time, then it's surgery for me). With no relief on the horizon, I decided this year to look into the surgery.
During the initial checkups, I also discovered that, in addition to everything else, I was pre-diabetic, and beginning to become hypertensive (which was saddening, as my blood pressure had always been normal up until this point).
It had come to the point where, if I had any chance of gaining control over myself, and saving myself, I had to do the surgery. I was hoping that, even if I did end up succumbing to the binging, due to the style of eating I'd have had to achieve (slow and small mouthfuls) that the driving energy would dissipate before I ate everything. I also was pleasantly surprised to find that the band itself would create this persistent state of "satiety" (not being interested in food) and that I'd feel this thing called "satiation" in my meals (which is where a small amount satisifies).
I hope that, once I gain control over my body, and I start to look and feel better, that my self esteem will improve, and I can improve other areas of my life as well. Who knows, maybe I could even open myself up for a relationship.
I really want this to work
No comments:
Post a Comment